hochzeit

last night i had a dream where i was marrying the girl that i was dating. it was an outdoor ceremony that was right alongside a golf fairway. it had the aire of a conservative catholic ceremony, but there were only immediate family in attendance, and the priest was female. the bride was so amazingly happy about her wedding day, and her family was estatic about our union. most of the wedding literature was in german; it seemed as if her family was german. she was quite quite pretty.

and i was terrified. i so very much did not want to be wed for the rest of my life, but i simply could not say anything. i felt like i hardly knew this woman, let alone make her my wife. but i couldn't destroy her illusion of happiness--i could never bring someone down like that. and it killed me. i felt out-of-control and sentenced to my current state of terror and a future state of unhappiness. i felt like my mouth was taped shut, now and forever holding my lack-of-peace. and it was horrifying.